


I hate what I've become

by Reddie_obssesed



Category: IT (2017), It-Stephen King
Genre: Alcholism, Angst, Annette otoole-Bev, Dennis Christopher-Eddie, Drug Addiction, Harry Anderson-Richie, John Ritter-Ben, Leaving, M/M, Reddie, Richard Masur-Stan, Richard Thomas-Bill, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Tim Reid-Mike, eventual making up, mentions if Maggie and Wentworth Tozier, spousal abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-22 06:51:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13758621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reddie_obssesed/pseuds/Reddie_obssesed
Summary: Richie and Eddie used to be in a happy relationship, they got married as soon as they left collage and moved in together. Richie spiralled out of control turning to drugs and alcohol and becoming more like his parentsWhere did it all go wrong?





	1. Where did it all go wrong?

Richie and Eddie used to be in a happy relationship, they got married as soon as they left collage and moved in together. Richie spiralled out of control turning to drugs and alcohol and becoming more like his parents

Where did it all go wrong?

Some would say it all happened when Richie's band failed, they were both 37 now and Richie had formed his band at 21. 

They were called "wasted youth" and played many clubs across New York untill they got into a argument and split up 

Since then Richie had worked as a taxi driver, and when he came home he grabbed a twelve pack of beer and sat in his armchair drinking untill he passed out, that didn't bother Eddie too much as he still loved his husband dearly.

Then the drugs came, it started off as pills but Richie soon started to use cocaine and became violent and angry

He regularly called Eddie out for the tiniest little thing and sometimes he even hit him, but Eddie still stayed.

Richie went out to drink on Fridays with Ben and Bev getting utterly smashed that he turned up on Saturday afternoons

Eddie hung out with Bill and Stan at the golf club where he complained about Richie's behaviour but couldn't leave him as he still loved his spouse.

This had been going on for the past five years now and Eddie wondered how long he would be able to stay by his husbands side.

~

Eddie lay in bed one Saturday night as he waited for Richie to come home, he sat there looking up at the ceilings stained from Richie's smoking and wondered how long it had been there for

As he was thinking this the front door slammed open downstairs then closed rather hard, Richie was home

Eddie listened as his husband climbed up the stairs, stumbled more like as he was obviously drunk judging by the sounds he was making

He stormed into their shared bedroom and threw his clothes off before climbing into bed next to Eddie and turning on his side away from his husband 

Eddie looked over at Richie as he turned the light out and decided to try and make conversation (a rare thing now)

"Hi honey are you ok?" He asked softly

"Fuck off slag and let me sleep" Richie replied sounding slightly slurred

"I'm sorry Richie"

"You will be when I break your fucking jaw"

"Richie I'm sorry"

"Shut the fuck up"

"Bu-"

"NOT ANOTHER WORD EDDIE" Richie yelled

"Yes Richie" 

Richie turned around and punched Eddie right in the face knocking him out off the bed and onto the cold wooden floor

"I said shut the fuck up" Richie said then turned on his side facing the door

Eddie held back tears as he climbed back in next to Richie and turned away from him, they'd slept like this for five years now not even touching or having sex, which used to be a nightly occurrence 

Despite what Bill and Stan told him Eddie couldn't leave, he still loved Richie and wanted to help him even if he got abused and sworn at 

It was worth it because after all all he did still love his husband, right?


	2. It'll get better won't it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie tries to remain positive about his and Richie's relationship

Eddie awoke the next morning and drew in a shaky breath, he turned on his side and looked over at Richie who was fast asleep in his drunken haze.

Eddie slowly but carefully climbed out of the bed careful not to disturb Richie, if he woke him up he'd get beaten up and bad, Eddie walked down the hall to the bathroom where he walked in and locked the door behind him.

He sat on the toilet seat and lay his head is his hands and cried, where had it all gone wrong?

Did Richie still love him?

Why was he still here?

Did he still love Richie?

These thoughts buzzed around in Eddie's head as he sat there in the cold and dismal bathroom, Eddie then pulled him self up and striped down then climbed into the shower and turned it on

He allowed the warm water to run over his body, it burned a little bit but Eddie didn't mind he was used to pain by now.

Eddie washed himself for about twenty minutes before stepping out of the shower and grabbing a nearby towel, he caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror and was appalled at what he saw.

Where Richie had punched him yesterday he now had a black eye, Eddie also caught glances at other marks and bruises either from Richie or where he'd fallen after being knocked down by Richie

Eddie shuddered then left the bathroom and slowly crept back into the bedroom, he walked over to the wardrobe and started to get dressed.

As Eddie put on his gold watch and was about to leave the room Richie woke up and turned over to look at him

"Where the fuck do you think your going?"

"To the golf club with Stan and Bill"

"Don't you have work?"

"Richie it's Sunday" 

"Is it?"

"Yes it is"

Richie then climbed out of the bed and walked over to Eddie then stood in front of him and held Eddie's chin in between his thumb and forefinger 

"Are you cheating on me with them?"

"If anything that's the sort of question I should ask you"

"Don't fucking talk back to me slut"

"I'm sorry Richie it won't happen again"

"It better fucking not now answer my question, are you cheating on me with Stan and Bill?"

"No Richie I could never do that to you I love you"

"Whatever go do your business"

"Yes Richie"

Eddie then turned and hurried out of the room and down the stairs, he ran outside and jumped into his car then started up the engine and drove away

He turned on the radio and Two Tickets To Paradise by Eddie Money started to play, Eddie swallowed a lump in his throat this is the song that he and Richie had their first kiss to.

He sped through the streets of New York as he tried to hold back tears, he knew Richie was a flawed person but he still loved him.

Eddie pulled up into the parking lot of the golf club and saw Stan and Bill's car in their usual spot, Eddie parked up next to them and climbed out then took his golf clubs out of the trunk.

He walked up to the entrance where he was greeted fondly by Stan and Bill before the three of them headed off for their week,y round of golf

For the past hour Eddie could let his problems with Richie go.

~

Eddie got home just as it was starting to get dark, he passed the living room he saw Richie sprawled out in his armchair with an empty whiskey bottle clenched tightly in one hand and some white powder on his nose, cocaine.

Eddie sighed and walked over to the unconscious Richie and made sure he was still alive, he then picked up the empty bottles of alcohol and threw them out followed by the half empty packet of cocaine that sat on the mini table next to the chair

Richie slowly came to just as Eddie was about to leave the room, he looked straight at Eddie his eyes were bloodshot and he had a killer headache and felt like utter shit

"Where the fuck have you been" he said in a heavily slurred voice

"Out with Bill and Stan"

"Why?"

"Because I always go golfing on a Sunday you know that"

Richie rose quickly from his chair and stood in the middle of the living room

"DO NOT FUCKING TALK BACK TO ME EDDIE KASPBRAK-TOZIER" he yelled

"I'm sorry" Eddie replied horsely 

"SO YOU FUCKING SHOULD BE YOU SLUT"

Eddie stood there in silence and let the tears roll down his cheeks, he couldn't hide it now Richie had to see how he was making him feel

"Aw you gonna cry, do you need your mommy Eddie?"

Eddie said nothing he just stood there and cried taking in what Richie said

Your a discrace do you know that?"

Eddie slowly nodded as the tears blurred his vision

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!!!!"

Richie had had enough so he punched Eddie in the nose breaking his glasses and causing his husband to bleed, Richie then started laughing as he repeatedly kicked Eddie in the sides hard

Eddie just lay there crying and took every beating that he was given

When Richie was finished he stepped over Eddie and started to walk up the stairs but not before he said

"I expect you upstairs and in bed in five minutes"

Eddie slowly nodded as Richie climbed up the stairs, Eddie lay there for what felt like days before he lifted himself up of the floor and started to slowly and painfully ascend the stairs to the bedroom

He then walked into the bedroom and climbed into the bed next to Richie where the light was turned out and Richie faced away from Eddie once more

As Eddie lay there in the dark he couldn't help but feel scared that Richie was one day going to kill him

Eddie breathed in and out as he tried to drift of to sleep, it'll get better won't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and don't hate me
> 
> Please leave feedback and tell me what you think of the story so far


	3. Memories and moping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie remembers the good times whilst Richie is at work

Eddie stumbled around the kitchen the next morning. Richie had left an hour before to go to work but not before he made Eddie feel bad about himself.

Eddie sighed as he slumped his head against the cupboard, Why did this have to happen? Richie used to be so lovey dovey all the time and never wanted to not touch Eddie

He remembers how when they watched Breaking Away for the first time (Eddie's favourite movie) Richie said he wanted to fuck the guy who played Dave because of how much he looked like Eddie.

The same also happened when they used to watch night court, only this time Eddie would say he wanted to fuck judge Harry Stone because he was the spitting image of Richie, minus the moustache

And every time they watched the Waltons the two of them would always laugh at how much Bill looked like John Boy.

The two of them had there first kiss at 18 just after graduation at prom and it went like this

~

Eddie walked up to the hall in which the prom was being held, he was with Stan, Mike and Bill the four of them sporting smart black tuxedos 

"S-so Eddie g-got any p-plans with R-Richie?" Bill asked

"Yeah you two have been dating for two months now and you hadn't had your first proper kiss" Stan commented

He was right though despite being inseparable for two months Richie and Eddie had yet to experience their first kiss together 

But before he could say anything Mike jumped in

"C'mon guys leave Eddie alone and let him do what he wants to do"

Oh what did he do to deserve Mike Hanlon?

The four of them entered the hall and immediately spotted Richie stood with Ben and Bev over at the crafts table

Bev saw them as well and started waving frantically at them "hey guys over here" she yelled 

The four walked over and Richie immediately embraced Eddie in a spine crushing hug

"Eddie spaghetti I missed you so much"

"Calm down Chee it's only been two hours"

"Yeah but that's two hours two many"

Ben then fake coughed and at the same time said

"Get a room you two"

Richie laughed then replied with

"Sounds like what I did with your mother last night haystack"

Ben tutted and shook his head before he was yanked away by Beverly, probably to dance or make out or both.

Richie then held his hand out to Eddie "shall we dance master spagedward?" He asked in his upper class Brit accent, to which Eddie shook his head at but agreed to anyway.

They made their way to the dance floor and started dancing along to Roy Orbison's 1985 version of claudette, despite all the disgusted looks they got from assholes the two had a good time.

Two tickets to paradise by Eddie Money then started to play, Eddie sucked in a breath before he decided now was the time

"Richie?"

"Yes eds"

"Kiss me"

"Here?"

"Yes, right here right now"

"Are you sure?"

"Of fucking course I'm sure"

"Ok eds"

Richie then tilted his head down and brought his and Eddie's lips together, it was the greatest feeling that Eddie had ever felt in his life. He enjoyed it so much that when Richie pulled away he grabbed him by the back of the neck and kissed him again.

They stayed like that, Richie's arms around Eddie's waist and Eddie's arms behind Richie's neck whilst passionately making out. When two tickets to paradise ended they pulled apart and Paradise by the Dashboard light by Meat Loaf started playing

"I'll never leave you eds and I'll love you forever"

"Me too rich me too"

~

Eddie lifted his head up and made his decision right then and there. In order for his relationship with Richie to change he was going to have to pull a Sharon Osbourne.

He would leave the house that he and Richie shared to go and stay with Stan and Bill, at first Richie would not care but eventually he would realise how much he loves Eddie and what he means to him and would then clean himself up and would come right back.

Eddie hoped this would happen as he climbed up the stairs to pack his clothes and personal possessions, he then wrote a note for Richie before leaving and heading of toward Stan and Bills shared apartment across town

Eddie sped along the roads like a bat out of hell in his Volvo toward where Bill and Stan lived, when he knocked on the door they were surprised but let him in regardless.

Eddie then told them his plan to which the two firmly agreed with and gave him permission to stay with them for as long as he wanted or needed

This wouldn't be easy for Eddie but he needed to do it, he needed to be strong

If he wants his and Richie's marriage to go back to how it used to be then he had to do this

He was doing it for himself, but most of all he was doing it for Richie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you enjoyed this chapter, so I've decided that I'm going to try and incorporate the other losers into the story.Also Stan and Bill are married as well as Ben and Bev
> 
> One last thing I have left several Easter eggs in this chapter if you havnt noticed already, so if you want a fun mini game go back and look for them-happy hunting


	4. I hate what I've become

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie discovers Eddie has left and is excited at life alone, for about twenty minutes

Richie got home later that day to an empty house. This was unusual as on weekdays Eddie got home an hour before he did

Richie walked around the house looking for Eddie but couldn't find him, when he walked into the kitchen he noticed a folded up piece of paper that was sat on the breakfast bar. Richie walked over picked it up and read it

Dear Richie

I'm sorry to do this to you but I just could not take it anymore.  
Frankly I've had enough of your frequent boozing and drug abuse,  
For five long years I've put up with it but i can't do it any longer.  
I've gone to stay with Stan and Bill until you decide to sober up,  
I love you more than anything in the world and it breaks my heart  
to see you this way, if you still love me or care about our marriage   
then you will do something about it. Untill then do not try to contact  
me before your clean. Then and only then will I return to you once more.

Your loving husband   
Eddie Kaspbrak 

Richie scrumbeled up the note as he threw it to the other side of the room, he then went over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee whiskey and drank half of it down in one. He then walked into the lounge and went over to his vinyl collection selecting Meat Loaf's bat out of hell (one of his most prised possessions) and putting it on before jumping onto the couch and lighting a cigarette.

He drank down his whiskey and when it was finished pulled a clear plastic bag out of his pocket and emptied the clear white powder onto the table next to him. Richie then picked up a playing card and smoothed the cocaine out before dicing it into thin lines and sniffing it all up.

Once that was gone Richie stumbled his way over to the phone as you took the words right out of my mouth started to play. He dialled in Bev's number and rang four times before she answered

"Hello?"

"Hey Bevvie Bevykins"

"Oh Richie what do you want? And don't fucking call me that or I'll rip your balls off and feed them to my cat"

"Ooh harsh"

"I don't give a shit, now what do you want?"

"Well Bev, Eddie's just left me so I was wondering if you and Haystack wanted to come over and party"

"Wait wait wait, Eddie left you?"

"Uh huh"

"You done fucked up Rich"

"No I haven't"

"Oh yes you have you fucking goon"

"Blah blah blah, so you wanna hang out or not?"

"Are you high right now?"

"You betcha cowgirl"

"Oh my god Rich your gonna end up killing yourself"

"No I'm not, I'm invincible"

"I'll talk to you in the morning"

"Okay g'night Molly Ringwald"

"Fuck off Tozier"

Richie hung up the phone then went back into the fridge and grabbed himself a beer which he drank down greedily. He then picked up his guitar and played random notes and chords very loudly.

He danced when paradise by the Dashboard light came on and also gave a very bad sing along. When that ended and for crying out loud crackled out from the record player Richie stopped and listened.

He put the guitar to one side and sat on the edge of the couch listening to the words that Meat Loaf sang so very emotionally.

Richie then started to think of Eddie as soon as he heard the lyrics 

"And I'm gonna need somebody with open arms, open arms"

This made him think of what he had with Eddie and had more than likely lost due to his problems. Richie dropped onto the floor and began to cry his eyes out. He was going to lose Eddie if he didn't do something.

As Richie lay there and the record stopped playing he sat up and got an idea. He would drive over to Stan and Bill's and make Eddie take him back, yes that's what he would do.

Richie walked to the front door and grabbed his keys from the bowl. He was both drink and high but he didn't care at that point in time, he needed his eds so he was going to get him back.

As Richie climbed into his car and drove very dangerously out of the driveway and down the road toward Stan and Bill's apartment several thoughts went through his mind 

Would Eddie take him back?

Would Eddie forgive him?

Would he be able to forgive himself?

But the one thought that hung in the back of Richie's mind like a black cloud was

I hate what I've become

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you enjoyed this chapter, apologies for taking so long but I wasn't sure what to do for this one.
> 
> I wonder what Richie is going to do next chapter? Find out next time only on I Hate What I've Become


	5. Why am I like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie tries to get Eddie back, this fails so he does something stupid

Eddie sat on Bill and Stan's couch reading a book, he was mostly thinking about Richie though.

"Eh-Eddie?"

Eddie looked over the top of his book at Bill who sat on the edge of the couch

"Yes Bill?"

"A-Are you ok"

"Yeah, well not really"

"W-What are you r-reading?"

"Salems lot by Stephen King"

"I r-read one of his b-books once but I d-didn't like it because he k-killed of my f-favourite characters"

"He tends to do that"

"He s-sure does"

The two sat in silence for a few seconds before Bill spoke once again

"Are you t-thinking about R-Richie"

"Yeah"

"Th-Thought so"

"No matter what he does to me I still love him Bill"

"I k-know you do"

"I really hope he sorts himself out"

"He w-will if he's got any s-sense"

"I hope so"

Bill looked at Eddie's book for a few seconds before he said

"C-Clive B-Barkers better"

"You little asshole I'll have to get you for that"

The two of them broke out into hysterical laughter as Eddie climbed on top of Bill and lightly punched the shit out of him. 

Stan walked into the living room at this precise moment and stood taking it all in before he spoke up

"What are you doing"

Eddie and Bill sat up

"N-Nothing honey"

"You'd better not be cheating on me Bill" Stan said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice

"I wouldn't d-dream of it d-dearest Stanley"

The three of them burst into laughter right then and there, this was interrupted by a rather loud and fast knock on the front door. Stan walked over to see who it was and was surprised when he found out who

"Richie!"

"Hey Stanny is eds there?"

"Maybe but you can't see him"

"Why the fuck not Stan he's my husband not yours" Richie slightly raised his voice

"Because you'll just hurt him"

"No I won't Stan I love him I really do"

"Richie"

The two turned to face Eddie as he walked up to the front door

"What are you doing here Chee?"

"I came to see you eds I'm sorry"

"Are you?"

"Yes I am I love you more than anything, please take me back"

"I love you too Richie, I love you so much it hurts but I can't come back right now"

"Why not?"

"Because I can tell by your bloodshot eyes that your high, and the slurred speech indicates that your drunk"

"Please Eddie come back I'll quit I promise"

"Get clean Richie or I'm never coming back again"

"Bu-"

"Promise me"

"Eds I'm too far gone I can't do it without you"

"You either do it by yourself or you don't see me again Rich"

With that Eddie closed the door as Richie sank to his knees and cried his eyes out in he hallway, unaware that Eddie was doing the same inside the apartment. He picked himself up and stumbled down the stairs towards his car.

~

Back home now Richie pulled himself up the stairs, he stripped off his clothes and walked into the bathroom shutting and locking the door behind him.

He then ran himself a bath and climbed into it the water slightly burned at first but he soon got used to it.

Richie picked up the razor next to the bathtub and proceeded to cut two long gashes down both of his forearms, blood spiller into the water turning it a crimson sort of colour.

Next he picked up the bottle of sleeping pills and poured three into his hand then popped them into his mouth and swallowed.

Richie leaned back in the water as he waited for the pills to take hold, if he couldn't have his eds then he didn't want to live 

As the sleeping pills took hold Richie's last thoughts were of Eddie before he was incapacitated 

A soft "I love you eds" escaped his lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear Richie you silly boy what have you done?


	6. Sort yourself out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bev finds Richie nearly dead and manages to get him to sober up

"Richie?"

He opened his eyes slowly at the sound of someone saying his name 

"Richie are you ok?"

That someone sounded a lot like Bev funnily enough 

"Richie you twat answer me"

Yeah that was definitely Bev calling Richie's name. He managed to see and he sat up them looked around, he was in his bed. But how did he get here?

"You ok Tozier?"

Richie turned to face her

"I am now"

"Good"

"Bev what happened to me?"

"Well after you didn't answer your cell i came over right away, I then looked around the house but couldn't find you, I then came upstairs to find a locked bathroom door which I knocked on but didn't get a reply. So I kicked the door in and find you lying half dead in the bathtub"

Richie sat there and soaked it all in, then the memories came back. Eddie had left him but Richie couldn't deal with it so he'd tried to kill himself.

"I pumped your stomach and cleaned your wounds Rich"

"Thank you"

"What on earth possessed you to try and commit suicide eh?"

"Eddie left me and said he'd never come back unless I sobered up"

"Then let's get you to rehab Richie"

"Bev I can't"

"Why not?"

"I'm not strong enough"

"You are and I'll support you every step of the way"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Richie do you want to stay with Eddie?"

"Of course"

"Then do it for him after all the shit that you've done"

"Ok I will"

"Good boy, now get changed whilst I make you some food"

Bev left the room and Richie got out of the bed to put on some cleaner and better smelling clothes than the ones he currently had on.

He was going to do this for Eddie, he owed him that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry if this chapter was a bit shirt but I'm very tired and I just had to update. Anyway hope your enjoying so stay tuned for the next one

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there y'all I'm back with another chaptered fic that I hope you enjoy 
> 
> Please don't hate me


End file.
